Many people have unrealistic and idealized expectations of love relationships. They believe that the excitement and emotional highs of new love will last forever. It comes as a huge shock when the euphoria wears off and disillusionment sets in. Couples often struggle with this change, believing they have ?fallen out of love? and wonder what to do next.
So why does love change from feeling great to feeling wrong once you take that step of commitment?? One reason is that relationships go through predictable stages, and by understanding these stages, couples can be better prepared to maneuver each stage successfully? be less likely to blame their partner or experience self-doubt about their relationship choice.
So let?s take a look at these stages:
There are 5 stages of love that have been identified by Dr. Susan Campbell. All couples move through the different stages at different speeds and will move back and forth from stage to stage but both will predominately be in the same stage at the same time:
? Romantic Love Stage
? Power Struggle Stage
? Stability Stage
? Commitment Stage
? Co-Creation Stage
Stage I ? Romantic Love
All relationships begin with this stage. The need satisfied here is love and belonging. This stage is characterized by its dream-like qualities, fantasies, hopes for the future, the possibilities and the asking of ?what if.? Everything is wonderful, beautiful, fun and exciting.? The pair unfortunately are brain dead! They focus on similarities and do things to please each other.
Differences are viewed as bad so are denied. The emphasis is on how to fit and move together and soon they look like they?re glued together at the hip. Each will do anything to get along. You deny part of yourself and the thinking is ?Now that I have this other person I am complete and happy.? This stage is short lived but does allow for the building of a foundation for the relationship in the future. However, real love cannot begin at this stage so paradoxically one must fall out of love to learn to love.
This stage lasts, on the average, two months to two years. Romancing takes up a lot of energy with all the courting and pretenses and trying to be the same ? eventually you begin to tire. As well, melding at the hip becomes uncomfortable. When the cost to your individuality becomes too great you begin trying to change the other person or make them conform.? Guess what you get? Resistance with a capital ?R?; but you try to insist and there is a fight, leading to the next stage, which is ?
Stage II -Power Struggle
In this stage both parties struggle for power and some freedom. There is an awareness now that you are different but the premise remains that differences are bad ? your differences are magnified. You seem to have nothing in common anymore and everything the other person does is wrong. There is a pulling away from each other, and a need for space ? all of which is quite normal.
This is a critical stage where divorce occurs most frequently and when couples seek counseling. The fight is for boundaries and clearly defining unacceptable bottom line behaviors.? There is a nervousness about the future and some questioning whether there will even be a future together. This stage is a prerequisite to readiness to relate to each other as whole people.
See this stage as a positive one, an opportunity to journey together, to learn how to negotiate, to equally care about your needs getting met as you do about your partners. It is possible to have one partner still in the romance stage while the other is into the power struggle stage. This can be painful when the one in the romance stage finds that what he or she does for love and belonging leaves the other feeling oppressed (i.e., he brings you flowers which was once okay but now you feel controlled by his actions and react by desiring even more space).
Stage III ? Stability
The needs satisfied in this stage is freedom and choice. You are now aware of each other?s personal world instead of just your own and the difference is okay. It is finally clear you are not going to reshape your partner. Clear boundaries are determined.
There is a sense of loss and a certain sadness at this time as your realize dreams aren?t reality. The power struggle was hard and has weathered you. You feel older and wiser. If you had not learned good relationship and coping skills as a child the power struggle stage was even harder than it had to be.
This is a resting time. The war is over and it?s time to relax. You breathe a sigh of relief. The danger at this stage is you may start to move apart as each does their own thing. There is a realization that each other?s? paths in life may be different. There may be a feeling of boredom, a sense of not being connected and having nothing in common.
This is the second most common stage for counseling or divorce. At first it feels good to agree to stop changing the other but life is not like that. Life is about growing and changing. The positive aspect is that at this stage you have history and it can be used to your advantage. Don?t throw away the relationship easily. At this time you either learn mutual respect or you go back to the second stage.
Stage IV ? Commitment
This is the only stage where there really is a readiness for marriage though people usually have already married in the romance stage. In this stage you are wide awake, making clear choices about yourself and your partner, based both on individual differences and those things you have in common. You see clearly who you are and what you want as well as who your partner is and what they want. This is the basis of a healthy relationship.
You now choose each other with awareness of past, present and direction to the future. The needs fulfilled here are a balance of love, belonging, connection, fun, and freedom. You don?t need each other, you choose to be with each other.
If one of you is in the stability stage and one ready for commitment, you will either both remain in stage three or could return to stage two. Both need to be ready for the commitment stage. Though parts of previous stages may reappear you probably would have done enough work to have developed strategies for dealing with problems. The statement can now be made to your partner, ?I choose to love you knowing all I know, good and bad.?
Stage V ? Co-Creation/Bliss
In this stage you are two people who have decided to be a team moving out into the world. This world may include children, a project, a church, a joint business venture, etc. You move beyond the relationship. The danger at this stage is over involvement with the outside world and relationship being neglected. The relationship must be continually nurtured along the way. There needs to be time for you, for me, for us and for them. This is difficult sometimes and choices must be made.
A test of where you may be in the relationship is: If your spouse and children are away for a while, who gets the first hug upon their return? If it?s the kids then maybe it?s time to take a better look at ?us.?
These stages are not a linear process; it is a circle spiraling upwards so when you hit a ?certain stage in the power struggle it becomes easier. You retain stages and bring them forward as you grow ? you are in one stage or another at any given time with bits of the others thrown in for good measure. Knowledge of the stages helps move through them.
adapted from the relationship coaching institute.
Source: http://albuquerquenmcounseling.com/archives/1248
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